You may have heard, but I am contemplating a run for the White House in 2012. I am still in the exploration process, but Stephen Colbert could be the deciding factor. If supported by the Colbert SuperPac I will almost certainly run.
If you would like to convince Colbert to support me please TELL HIM NOW!
Exploration is a dangerous task. About two months ago my Presidential Exploratory Committee of three, John G., Barbara B. and Dahar W., set out across the country to determine support for my campaign.
John G., was sent to check the electorate pulse along I-10 and I-40. We were receiving encouraging reports for two weeks, until he reached New Orleans. He hasn’t contacted us since.
Barbara B. was sending detailed reports of her meetings along I-80. She was sidetracked and somehow ended up in Billings, Montana, where we last heard from her. Apparently she had an “Aha!” moment and decided on a career change. I hear she is now a successful taste-tester at a popular dispensary.
Dahar W. flew to Atlanta and was supposed to wend his way up the East Coast but met his “life partner” and decided to move with him to his native Halifax, where there are few American voters.
So, after all our efforts at research we only have anecdotal reports on people’s enthusiasm. Still, my hopes are buoyed. When I explained the Party Party’s platform to the diners at my table at the International Cannabinoid Research Society (ICRS) Conference, all venerable scientists, they pledged their support, as did a random group of diners at Cheeba Hut in Denver, CO.
One of my opponents, Michele Bachmann, has claimed that she is getting her info from God, but either He needs a fact-checker or a better connection.
Another, Mitt Romney, claims superior knowledge because he has failed at several businesses. We need someone who has had a good economic season, not a handsome failure at life whose opinions are based on opinion polls, thereby avoiding the fateful thinking process.
Of course, Obama sold a lot of people a good line. But they forgot to remember that if it seems to good too be true, it probably is. His first and last unabashedly good deed as President was his inaugural concert. OK… he has done some gay rights stuff, but he’s still opposed to gay marriage and still thinks Afghanistan and Libya are good wars. I can’t figure it out. Good for what? Afghanistan is not worth one American life.
Obama is showing symptoms of MDS, Marijuana Deficiency Syndrome, a serious condition made all the more dangerous because of the tremendous power he controls over our life and death. Sadly, his attitude toward marijuana is just another symptom of his condition.
Meanwhile, I’ve been pondering domestic and foreign policy frequently. Hopefully, The Party-Party will quickly approve the platform that I have proposed, which is as follows:
1.) Legalize pot. Free the heads. Investigate the period and indict corrupt cops who violated citizen’s rights during the infamous pothibition.
2.) Close all U.S. military bases in the 80 countries where they are maintained. This is a complex operation so we will only close one a week. The first one will be in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. This will be a double coup for U.S. foreign policy. We don’t need Guantanamo and if we did an environmental review we’d probably find it is an unsafe “superfund” environmental disaster site. It also houses all those al-Qaeda operatives and the innocents we’ve turned into their supporters. Leave them there so they become the Castros’ problem. The second country we will depart from: Afghanistan! We will have no more American casualties, save lots of dollars and will cease to supply our enemies with weaponry sold to them by the corrupt Afghani government. When the Taliban and al-Qaeda have no foreigners to fight, they will fight each other, even without sophisticated weapons. They will continue to fight to the death, using stones and knives when they run out of our gifts. Remember al-Qaeda’s most sophisticated weapon was a box cutter.
3.) With the military savings from not building weapons and maintaining bases, the U.S. will be able to proceed with the “Culture Inoffensive.” I’ve mentioned it before. Each week, to celebrate our troops coming home triumphantly, we will throw “The Big Cultural Event.” This is a weeklong party with concerts, theater, visual arts and sports. It will be free and will be broadcast worldwide for all the world to enjoy. The party will be held in a different city each week so every part of the country will benefit.
4.) Investigate the cause of the depression using forensic accounting investigators. Seize all tainted money that was illegally obtained by the “too big to fail” banks. Hold the perpetrators personally responsible.
5.) Re-invigorate the anti-trust laws for both domestic and multinational corporations and banks. Re-adopt laws separating banking and investment banking.
6.) Use the tax laws to encourage research and manufacturing in the U.S.
7.) End the deficit by closing corporate and ultra-rich tax loopholes. Make it more expensive for foreign corporations to do business in the U.S. What do you think? Should I buy a hat to throw in the ring? Get in touch with me on facebook. Again if you want to see me run, the best way to make it happen is to Tweet this.