Jail Astrology

I was working in the pallet yard at Fraser Regional Correctional Center a while back – Jan. 25th to be exact – when I noticed one of the guards reading the Province newspaper. Just for a lark I asked him what my horoscope said. It read:

“Gemini (May 21-June 20) This is a lovely day. The moon is in your sign making wonderful aspects to the brilliant Sun and serious Saturn. Basically, you’re in the right place, at the right time, saying the right thing to the right person. Focus on travel, vacations, higher education, publishing, the media, and foreign countries.”

After we finished laughing, it struck me how ill-suited horoscopes were to the incarcerated, how the incarcerated would benefit from a peek into their own cosmic destinies … and the comedic potential contained theirin. So without further ado, I give you “Jail Astrology” a la David Malmo-Levine (thanks to Georgia Nicols of the Province for the template):

Moon Alert: After 3:20 am today, you will have the “all clear” to make important decisions … like deciding whether to use grape or strawberry jelly on your toast .. or to choose beef or spicy chicken noodles for your canteen. The moon is in Gemini, so throw caution to the wind and use that extra sugar in your kife (coffee)!

Aries (March 21 – April 19) You’re going to have a fantastic week! Enjoy shmoozing with poker buddies and nurses and all kinds of substance abusers. Ignore the fact that your girlfriend isn’t answering her phone – mercury is in retrograde – she probably just forgot to plug it in or something.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) This is an excellent day for business and commerce – just don’t let the guards catch you at it. Better to shove that package a bit farther up your ass than usual – the stars indicate a frisk team is due to visit your unit any day now.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) This is a lovely day. The moon is in your sign making it a bad time to attempt an escape. Better just focus on visiting a new corner of the exercise yard or applying to retake the substance abuse management course, and put off that 30 foot ladder project you have going in the pallet yard for next week.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Joyous day! A 50 cent per day raise in your wages is due any day now. But be careful … your cellmate is jealous of your new found wealth and has been eyeing your canteen bin. Better sharpen a plastic knife into a poker and sleep with it under your pillow in case he tries to start something.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) It’s shmooze Monday. Discussions with cellmates and the psychologist are generally upbeat and helpful in a practical way, but beware the inmate who takes a joking remark the wrong way, as they may try and smash you in the face when you’re off camera in your cell or in the showers. Better consider buying some protection from a well-built prisoner.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) This is an excellent day for selling tobacco, applying for welfare, appealing your sentence, picking up a package and terrorizing fellow inmates. Have I left anything out? All eyes are on you, though. So make sure someone is keeping six when you do business. And beware of rats.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Travel plans are really exciting now. You’re ambitious to get away and explore new turf. All you need now is $500,000 and some guard with gambling debts that you can bribe to bring you some maintenance workers clothes. Keep your feelers out – it’s just a matter of time.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Practical issues about shared property requires your attention today. Make sure your hands are clean when you handle the remote control … and be sure to wipe off the toilet seat after you pee. And don’t leave any razors in the shower … or one of your fellow inmates may be sending you to healthcare.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Discussions with fellow inmates are bound to be fruitless – never has so much bullshit been shoveled your direction. Better just stay in your cell and read or watch TV or just nap – the range is just a clown show today.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Ask the hearing impaired guy to lip-read what the guards are saying … because they’re talking about you. Your constant muttering to yourself may result in a transfer to the bug ward – better dummy up.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) The Sun and Venus in your sign is making you very charismatic and attractive to your cell mate. Now might be a good time for a bad haircut and perhaps cutting yourself a bit when you shave. Be aware of the location of the call button … especially if your cellmate is bigger than you. And don’t drop the soap in the shower.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) Don’t eat the fish today – it’s a bit off. But don’t give your fish away to the heavy who’s been leaning on you for it because it will make him sick and he’ll blame you for trying to poison him. Just give him your dessert instead and dump the fish when nobody is looking.

If your birthday is today: Treat yourself to a chonie (chocolate bar) … take an extra two minutes in the shower … just don’t call your friends and family to ask how they are doing as this will just depress you. Just remember – you only have a few more months to go – you’ll be out before your next birthday … as long as you don’t get any additional charges.

David Malmo-Levine