Aside from its uses in

making cloth, providing

life-saving medicine and

constructing rope, the

cannabis plant has also

been found to get you

stoned off your ass.

      The National Institute of Health released the results of a
controversial new study today, one that links the drug marijuana to
sitting around and getting high. The study, a comprehensive five-year
survey of drug use among Americans, also suggests a possible connection
between marijuana and getting baked off your ass.

      “We have found that where there’s marijuana,” explained Institute
spokesperson Roger Krell, “there’s also a good chance of finding stoners
on a couch passing around a bong.” Krell added that in such situations,
“There is also a strong likelihood of finding incense, a TV, and some
chips, usually Ruffles.”

      Krell would neither confirm nor deny the alleged link between
marijuana and Pink Floyd’s The Wall. He would confirm, however, that the
album rules. “There is some seriously fucked-up shit on that album,” he
said. “Especially side two. Mother do you think they’ll drop the

      Marijuana, or “pot,” as it is called on the street, is a harmless
drug that helps you relax and feel mellow. Its only known side-effects
are occasional uncontrollable laughter and mild hunger, or “the munchies.”

      Not everyone agrees with the survey’s findings. “Getting high is
the least of marijuana’s uses,” said Matt Henner, President of Hemp For
Victory and a total pothead. “The ancient Egyptians used hemp to build
the pyramids. In the 1930s, the WPA used it to construct bridges and
dams. Today it is used for medicine and as a non-polluting alternative
to gasoline.” Henner then admitted he was “wasted beyond belief.”

      According to experts, drug use among 15-24 year olds is
cool. “That’s really the cool age to do drugs,” said U.S. Drug Czar
Bertrand Seaver. “When you’re young, that’s the thing to do. In fact,
studies show that teenagers who smoke pot are far more likely to be
accepted by the in-crowd.”

      While drug use among young people is cool, experts say older people
who still do drugs are losers. “A young person who does drugs is healthy
and normal,” said Harvard sociologist Beth Henterpen. “But if a guy’s
like 45, and he’s still getting high, it’s like, ‘Get a life!'”

      Marijuana also has been proven to have the wonderful side-effect of
enhanced sexual sensations, enabling some users to achieve
transcendental states of erotic bliss. The study found that this link,
however, was severely limited in many subjects because they had, due to
sitting around all the time, never actually met members of the opposite
sex. “But if they did,” said Krell, “then it’d be amazing.”

      So far, the study has met with formal protest by only two groups.
The Alabama-based Center for the Christian Family, claimed the findings
to be terribly inaccurate, noting marijuana’s ability to “make users
think they can fly and jump out of buildings, like on Quincy, as well as
its tendency to induce demon possession, homicidal rampages, and

      Another group to object to the study was California rapping group
Cypress Hill. “Marijuana’s not linked to sitting around, man… It’s
linked to cruising the Barrio with a 40 and a 12 gauge, blowing pendejos
away,”  said group member DJ Muggs. “Hand onna pump, puffin’ on a
blunt… la la la la laaaaaaaaaaa…”

 [7 AUGUST 1996] [the ONION]  Copyright 1996 ONION, INC., All Rights Reserved.