Mexican Drug Lord Officially Thanks American Lawmakers for Keeping Drugs Illegal

Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman Loera thanks US presidents for making him a billionaire.Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman Loera thanks US presidents for making him a billionaire.Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman Loera reported head of the Sinaloa cartel in Mexico, ranked 701st on Forbes’ yearly report of the wealthiest men alive, and worth an estimated $1 billion, today officially thanked United States politicians for making sure that drugs remain illegal.

According to one of his closest confidants, he said, “I couldn’t have gotten so stinking rich without George Bush, George Bush Jr., Ronald Reagan, even El Presidente Obama, none of them have the cajones to stand up to all the big money that wants to keep this stuff illegal. From the bottom of my heart, I want to say, Gracias amigos, I owe my whole empire to you.”

According to sources in the Mexican government, President Calderon is begging American officials to, in the words of reggae great Peter Tosh, legalize it. “Oh yeah,” said an official close to the Mexican president, “Felipe is going crazy. He’s screaming at everybody who comes in, ‘Why don’t they make this sh*t legal already! You’re killing me here!’ Look, everyone knows, when you have Prohibition, you create gangsters. And the more you prohibit, the more gangsters you make. El Chapo is hero now to all those slumdogs who want to be millionaires. Kids in the street, when they play games, they all want to be El Chapo, the baddest man in the whole damn town.”

Meanwhile, many speculate that rich and prominent Mexican families are in cahoots with American businessmen in the alcohol industry, wealthy industrialists who launder the unprecedented profits from the drug business with their legitimate enterprises, and lawmakers who get gigantic kickbacks and payoffs to make sure that these drugs remain illegal, so they can remain rich, fat and happy. According to sources on both sides of the border, tens of millions of dollars in payoffs and kickbacks are stashed in Swiss banks every year, blood money from the brutal business made possible by a corrupt system supported by laws that don’t, and have never, worked.

Rather than putting El Chapo and his kind out of business by modernizing outdated laws and in the process making billions of dollars from taxing drugs (as is done with cigarettes and alcohol), United States government has spent hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars chasing its tail, and offered a $5 million reward for the capture of El Chapo. Many have said that the offer is unofficially: Dead or Alive.

Meanwhile, as an epidemic of murderous violence rages on the Mexican-US border, and the American government wastes boatloads of badly needed money on the illegal drug business which results from the Prohibition laws, El Chapo is laughing all the way to the bank. “Whoever came up with this whole War on Drugs,” one of his lieutenants reports he said, “I would like to kiss him on the lips and shake his hand and buy him dinner with caviar and champagne. The War on Drugs is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and the day they decide to end that war, will be a sad one for me and all of my closest friends. And if you don’t believe me, ask those guys whose heads showed up in the ice chests.”

– Article from The Huffington Post on March 26, 2009.



  1. Anonymous on

    And if you don’t believe me, ask those guys whose heads showed up in the ice chests.”

    Yeah this guys definately really a great dude!!!

  2. Anonymous on

    I am saddened, almost offended by the stupidity of the posters to this article. I have not read all of them, but the vast majority of you believed this article was real. This is something some of us (the ones with our heads outside of our asses) like to call satire. “I couldn’t have gotten so stinking rich without George Bush, George Bush Jr., Ronald Reagan, even El Presidente Obama…” Really? No, seriously? You really thought that real drug lords talk like they do in cheesy Hollywood films? They don’t even talk like this in Hollywood films anymore. This article went so far over your heads that I’m embarrassed to think that you are my pro-legalization colleagues. Do me a favor and don’t ever read The Onion. It would be way too confusing for you.

  3. Anonymous on

    The U.S.has to many rich people getting richer with the war on drugs to stop it now. Its an addiction for them.

  4. Anonymous on

    The U.S.has to many rich people getting richer with the war on drugs to stop it now. Its an addiction for them.

  5. Anonymous on

    This whole editorial sounds bogus. Where did the source come from? If drugs were legalized or decriminalized tommorow the drug traffickers would simply move on to a new enterprise. You don’t have a drug problem you have a massive corruption problem in mexico. The u.s. has allowed the drug problem to go on for decades and now were concerned about it? We have allowed arms to go into mexico for so long and have done nothing about it by design why? By design so we can set up a defense base in mexico so that the defense contractors can make more tons of money.

  6. Anonymous on

    Sure Cannabis is less harmful then tobacco or cigarettes I abolutely agree if you look at a person who drinks and smoke cigarettes he is consuming 2 substances that have all the same effects and harmfull effect that cannabis has but one thing cannabis does that is extremely dangerous to any politicians mind is it causes introsepctive thinking and a tend toward philosophical thought and no politician wants the general population to think .

  7. Anonymous on

    Sure Cannabis is less harmful then tobacco or cigarettes I abolutely agree if you look at a person who drinks and smoke cigarettes he is consuming 2 substances that have all the same effects and harmfull effect that cannabis has but one thing cannabis does that is extremely dangerous to any politicians mind is it causes introsepctive thinking and a tend toward philosophical thought and no politician wants the general population to think .

  8. Anonymous on

    Sure Cannabis is less harmful then tobacco or cigarettes I abolutely agree if you look at a person who drinks and smoke cigarettes he is consuming 2 substances that have all the same effects and harmfull effect that cannabis has but one thing cannabis does that is extremely dangerous to any politicians mind is it causes introsepctive thinking and a tend toward philosophical thought and no politician wants the general population to think .

  9. Anonymous on

    this is for damn near everyone on the front page weed isnt where they get most of the cash its heroin and coke

    second the people who cut eads of are mostly in one cartel la familia mochila there basically religious nut jobs

    third if people all the way from high ranking government officials down to the guy selling hats werent benifiting from this drug lords would be all but extinct the government know the city they live in and problably the damn house i mean there are fucking tours of the neighbor hoods they live in

    basically as long as a lot of powerful people are getting rich the government isnt going to do anything but put on a show for the public

  10. Anonymous on

    Actually, if you think about it, if he killed 6mil, by 45, then how many people did he kill really, because he also killed their future kids, kid’s kids, so on and so forth, all I know, he killed more than you think. As for the war, it’s stupid, legalize weed and stop the killing by doing so.

  11. Anonymous on

    ”Nicest people you could meet”
    I dont think so,these people profit from the misery of others,even if they dont know it/admit it.I do agree when it comes to the government being the biggest criminals but anyone who’s worth over a billion purely from drug sales must have fairly questionable morals.Wouldnt be inviting him around for a cup of tea anyway.

  12. Anonymous on

    What a fucking dumbass, you seriously think this isn’t a real news article??? You can read about this anywhere probably in more detail than this story. The Forbe’s list does have him listed as one of the wealthiest men in the world. I wouldn’t doubt in any way that he would thank the presidents for keeping marijuana illegal.
    Look, if you don’t believe this go back a few years in history and look at Pablo Escobar. This is the same exact thing only not with cocaine.
    …and another thing, mexican drug lords are not in any way nice. If I’m not mistaken everyday people get kidnapped and are forced to work for these so called “nice” druglords. Kids even. A lot of them end up murdered too. This does not sound so nice to me.

  13. Icky Pop on

    and you are perusing the Cannabis Culture website because…?

  14. Adimus on

    omg he used a hyperbole don’t let him get away!!!!!

    he was simply trying to imply that a large number of people in the world smoke pot and that pot-smokers are no longer a small minority by any means (i hesitate to use the phrase “no longer” but I’ll leave it for now) evidenced by the fact that you said MOST of your close friends don’t.

    you don’t need to harp on someone just cuz they exaggerated a bit in making a point. i think maybe you should try smoking some weed then. it might chill you out a little so that you can hear what people say instead of how they might be saying it.

  15. Adimus on

    i’d say his assessment was probably fairly accurate and no i don’t think he missed the “ice chest” comment. He said they’re probably fairly nice people unless you get into bad debt with them although i agree that should actually be something more like unless you mess with any of their business. they’re people just like us they are simply captializing on what they think is a lucrative business plan. and it is apparantly. so don’t mess with their business and there wont be any point in them taking the effort to put you in an ice chest. they wouldnt want to kill anyone unless its messing with their business because most other people are potential customers. any good businessman knows its bad for business to kill your customers. except the tobacco industry but that only works cuz its takes so long to kill em. its not like he runs out into the street, shoots a bunch of random people, and then walks back inside with a big smile on his face. he just kills people messing with his business. legalize marijuana and he wont have a business there anymore (or at least not for mj which is their biggest cash crop). no more business means no more reason to kill people for it.

  16. carl on

    I am glad to hear that many people are for marijuana legalization. Nevertheless, the problem I see is that, even though we are making some good posts, we are not doing enough politically in our communities to make a difference. We need to get together in large numbers and put some extreme pressure on politicians so they take notice and stop thinking we aren’t a force to be reckoned with. We need to stand up for what we know is right–and not only on the internet, but by physically joining town meetings, writing to our congressmen and presidents and by demonstrations–even if we need to be aggressive. It is the only way my friends. We need to have the balls to do this.

  17. Anonymous on

    you wanker!

  18. a spanish native speaker on

    “…even El Presidente Obama, none of them have the cajones to stand up to all the big money that wants to keep this stuff illegal”

    The cajones? He means that Obama doesn’t have the drawers? Because that’s what cajones means, drawers. Or crates. Perhaps it’s just a typo, perhaps the writer meant to write cojones, which means balls.

  19. Anonymous on

    Maybe we should make it Oreguns #1 export! Works for me. 😉

  20. Anonymous on

    When DuPont invented nylon, they lobbied to make the best natural competing fiber illegal. I read that the lumber people helped as well. Paper and many textiles were made of this superior, natural, renewable and uncontrollable fiber – hemp.

  21. James on

    We both smoke for knowledge; but it would be nice if we could all just present a unified front and not insult and denigrate each other. Peace

  22. James on

    If you can’t spell or use grammar don’t call others “uneducated” you pleb

  23. James on

    I hate to say this, but if the government can’t end the drug war peacefully we could be looking at direct mob rule. As runaway drug profits swell and violence escalates whats to sto gangsters from just knocking over the governments of North America and claiming ALL THE MONEY. No more bribes, no more having to replace their private armies, and all that tax money to themselves. Well this would indubbitably lower the quality of services most Americans receive, it honestly couldn’t be much worse than when Republican fat cats get elected and cut our quality of life anyways. If the government can’t face the problem, I say we start courting a different solution.
    Peace, Love, and Penguins

  24. Anonymous on

    if you mean the united states by ‘you’re entire culture’ then fuck you, you don’t know me, or anyone i know, but i know you’re an ignorant prick.


    if you mean cannabis culture… well, than still, fuck you.

  25. cannabliss on

    If the words ‘life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness’ don’t include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn’t worth the hemp it was written on. – Terence McKenna

    “Prohibition goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man’s appetite by legislation and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded” -Abraham Lincoln

    Drug laws = Drug lords

  26. Anonymous on

    this IS obviously not an accurate source, but it’s basically what is happening. All the drug lords make shitloads of money while cops run around busting small-time dealers or kids trying to have a good time. for example, marijuana is oregon’s #7 export, but it’s not legalized in the state so now Oregon’s GDP is getting more fucked up each year. And who gets the money, some low-life who’s most likely committed more crimes than just dealing drugs.

  27. Anonymous on

    what are you trying to say

  28. Anonymous on

    I don’t. Most of my close friends don’t. Not everyone.

  29. Anonymous on

    i smoke a lot of dope but your entire culture is a fucking embarassment to potheads everywhere. look at this article for proof. uneducated and mundane bullshit. keep grasping at those straws, you fucking retards.

  30. Black & White on

    I think one of the problems is the 4 year governance in the US. People want results, people want change, and only on a timespan that’s as short as possible. You simply can’t.

    I live in the Netherlands, with quite a good drugspolicy. We do pretty good in comparison to most countries. But drugs isn’t legal here, nor controlled by the government. It is TOLERATED, which means you will very very unlikely get caught for smoking Weed or Hash. You can buy Weed or Hash in specially determined places (Coffeeshops), which are run by private owners. The only time the government involves is by policy, and making sure the coffeeshops follow the rules (e.g. people must be older than 18, can’t sell more than 5 grams, shops have opening and closing times set by law, etc.) But we do not tolerate drugdealing in big amounts. Of course this is somewhat hypocritical because Coffeeshops sell a lot of Weed and Hash so they must get their big stash somewhere.
    Fact is: the idea that a regular consumer, a regular smoker, can get his or her stuff within a range of a few metres to a few kilometres, makes it so much less tempting to buy illegal stuff. It doesn’t draw people to crime, and people are not segmentated or overly judged when smoking weed (this does not mean we think weed is healthy!).

    So it is not only a governing thing, as the matter of drugs is very much influenced by the public. Dealers and users are judged, banned from society and are forced to live in bad neighbourhoods. These bad neighbourhoods create paterns that are very unnatural and in essence does not contribute to society nor the community as a whole. A government should not try to fully legalize drugs, nor tax drugs, nor provide drugs, as this is not the right time to do so; there simply is not enough trust between people, inside themselves and towards their government… Legalizing might also raise ethical questions.

    A government could start to try to tolerate drugs, making way for the first step towards social acceptance and the fading of taboos. Also, it will take a lot of time for people to learn and to feel that they are free to insert in their bodies whatever they want. The patterns of believes, norms, values, behavior, etc. are patterns that are valued by a lot of people, because it is what gives them certainty in life. Do not brutally take this away, but be patient – they are scared, sometimes spiritually unfree, and/or do not know what they are really talking/worrying about…

  31. dave on

    and here you are commenting about it, and better yet… reading comments by other people… dude, seriously, make your self a favor and just unplug your computer, turn off your t.v. and just chill the fuck out! if you have nothing nice to say just stay quiet, so thank you (that’s the nicest thing i can think about for you) and good bye.

  32. Anonymous on

    does not matter if the actual article is true because you know that “el chapo” and all the other drug lords do feel this way. If drugs were legal they would not have the huge american market to tap in to. As long as its illegal they will make money. It was alcohol that brought gangsters like Al Capone onto the scene and illegal drugs have just kept crime organizations going. The “war on drugs” is the biggest waste of time the usa has ever embarked on

  33. Anonymous on

    how did godwin happen so fast here? fuck me, we’re talking about drugs maaaaaan

  34. JPB on

    Do you not have google? This article is from the Huffington Post. Dumbass

  35. Anonymous on

    hahaha billions? How many people does Stupid Fuck think there even are on the planet?? But he might have a point. Its not that the men who become crime lords are evil at heart. They are capitalizing on a market where there is alot of competition, thus making them do evil things. If weed were legal they would have to go legit and their profits would probably plummet. That being said, what do I know, its not like I know any billionaire drug lords.

  36. Anonymous on

    omfg ur all idiots..


  37. Anonymous on

    obviously not.

  38. Anonymous on

    I can’t believe people actually read articles like this and believe that it’s true. The Huffington Post? The fuck? This is obviously something a person high on marijuana would think to write. Worse still, people are arguing about it. And people wonder why the world makes fun of us….Get a book or some shit.

  39. El Roacho on

    Hahaha, funny shit!

    But come on, am I the only one who realized this was satire??

  40. Anonymous on

    Except that the mexican drug lords are EXTREMELY violent ..

  41. Stumbler & ex pot head on

    I wonder if that quote they got from him is actually legit. I don’t know if he would speak in english and use the spanish slang like that…?

  42. Anonymous on

    I think more attention should be drawn to the whole Hitler comments and responses. The “you stupid fuck” is the funniest line i’ve read in a while. Props

  43. Anonymous on

    HAHAHAHAHAH!!! that guy is an idiot.

  44. Anonymous on

    First off, maybe im just high but this is fuckin hilarious. Its so true when he says he owes his entire empire to our government. Our economy is shitting its own pants because of our government de-regulating the banks since the time of Regan’s presidency. They owe it to us to legalize marijuana (not heroin and shit). The amount of money the gov could squeeze out of the marijuana market is ridiculous, everyone smokes bud….everyone

  45. Anonymous on

    Legalization would stop the “Narco Wars” and the Murder’s, this is the same as Probitation, Big Business Then and even Bigger Business now. Mexico is at wits end and have no control over the US Citizans Drug Craving. Our Goverment Lost the “Drug War” before the first dollar of the Trillions was ever spent.

    Stop the Slaughter, it’s A Human Condition that we still view on the cave walls.

  46. Languish on

    Man this guy is something else. I think everybody should lay off his dick. Haha he’s making money off of the governments stupitity. He deserves an applause. I want some food from this guy. Hell yea.

  47. Anonymous on

    where there is a demand, there will be a supply. simple economics. fair game indeed, hes just an opportunist, an entrepreuneur. living the american dream, just another brutal, and therefore successful, businessman.

  48. Anonymous on

    In reply to who posted “Fair play to the dude.”

    Did you miss the part about the human heads ending up in ice chest? Yea.. Really nice guy eh? Or so you said..

    On a separate note.
    I do agree the government keeps prohibition active of Marijuana for their own benefits. Manf`d drugs though? Leave them illegal.

    It’s no longer an opinion, no longer a theory.. It’s no longer a fact with lose or weak points or dodgy evidence, marijuana is FAR less dangerous and far less unhealthy than tobacco and less dangerous than alcohol. Of which both are perfectly legal to adults.

    For those of you readers that haven’t used marijuana much or any at all and choose to argue this fact; I am referring ONLY to Marijuana. Nothing else.

  49. Anonymous on

    It is defiantly true that the war on drugs is insane. And I think El Presidente Obama, doesn’t have the cajones to take a risk by legalizing it, there is to much shit on his plate. I believe that if more and more states continue to take steps in the decriminalization there is a far better chance it will become legal

  50. Prince Far I on


    You stupid fuck.

  51. babiez4sale on

    Drug cartels do all of those things because of the drug wars. I can’t believe people can be so blind to think drug cartels exist just for the fuck of it. We created drug gangs. We created the laws and the economical backings for dealers to profit wildly. We punish our own citizens by locking them away for using drugs while manufacturers and dealers enjoy huge markups created by inflation caused by decreased supply with increased demand. Blaming drugs cartels for their business operations is like blaming an SUV manufacturer for global warming; the market has been created, and the niche has been filled.

    Open your eyes people. The world does not work the way you have always been taught it does.

  52. realist on

    Do I care if this guy is a petty pot dealer or a drug lord? No. He still gets to make money flipping weed. Have you ever flipped weed? No. Of course they are happy if we keep pot illegal. Not only is this probably reputable, the very concept is commonly accepted. Illegal drugs make drug lords happy, since their drug gets a larger price return on their investment. You, my friend, are not just a moron, but a complete tool.

  53. Fuck the police!!! on

    Weed has never done anything to harm anyone… the only reason people are being killed over drugs is because the government made them illegal… When was the last time you heard some high person kill a bunch of people… because that just doesnt happen… High people just sit on there ass and enjoy the time they have. I say we legalize this shit and let out government tax it just so we can get outa this hell hole of a depression were in… Props to this guy tho hes def keeping it real!

  54. Anonymous on

    i feel the government should legalize marijuana to put the drug lords of mexico out of business and help the economy from the hemp and marijuana.

  55. Patrick on

    Think you guys are looking way past the fact that drug cartels get people killed, stolen from, and beaten. Which is bad no matter how you look at it, and doesn’t make anyone an all around good person.

    Sure, Capone may have been good at forging alliances and what not, but in no way was he a saint or good person.

  56. spongekill on

    You people can’t possibly take this seriously… this is less convincing of a news article than the Onion’s headlines.

  57. Anonymous on

    Thank you, El Chapo, for making explicit the inadequacy of the war on drugs. How many more ineffectual wars does it take for the USA to irretrievably sink into the abyss of doom? None, we are already passed the point of inflexion. None but the greatest of paradigm shifts will resuscitate the economy. Decriminalizing drugs and collecting taxes on them.

  58. Brandon M. Sergent on

    You don’t know what you’re talking about. I won’t elaborate on my personal experience.

    But from an economic standpoint alone, you don’t get into any mercantile position, legitimate or otherwise on brutality and intelligence alone, for that you need the backing of laws and governments. In this case the united states army assures the secondary value of drugs as a currency through fiat.

    Blackmarket positions depend far more heavily on personal character and integrity than any legitimate position because there are no contracts, there is only your word.

    Doubly so for such quick and easy money businesses as inspired like only American drug law can. Just look at our ghettos, sure guns and money and brutality will carry to to maybe the top of your block, but there are 100 other people just like you within 50 miles. Those people don’t get anywhere, sure they make 8000$ a day but it gets spent on suvs and flat screens, at best. They don’t move away, because they are so intolerable that they are pretty much instantly arrested other places.

    However, the ones that aren’t unstable brutal monsters forge alliances, the ones that keep their word earn trust. Diplomacy cannot be accomplished with a rifle alone. Have you forgotten the lessons of prohibition? You think Capone just had a good publicist?

  59. Anonymous on

    That was probably the dumbest statement I’ve ever read. Clearly you know all of these people on a personal level to tell that they are nice guys at heart…hope you catch my sarcasm. That’s like saying Hitler was a nice guy as long as you weren’t Jewish.

  60. Willy Brown Balls on

    Fair play to the dude. They always make out that people like this man are complete bloodthirsty criminals but the reality is that most of them are the nicest people you could meet as long as you don’t get into a bad debt with them. Governments are the biggest criminals.