The United States government fears terrorists and Canadian weed so much that it has militarized its border defense forces and turned some sections of its northern border into electronic minefields.
Congressional weevils, such as Wisconsin Congressman James Senselessbrenner, have proposed national identification cards and other fortress-enhancing laws that rival those of the KGB-era Soviet Union.
People wanting to visit the US often must submit to interrogation, fingerprinting, and body cavity searches.
US authorities have been known to refuse entry to Canadians who have a misdemeanor marijuana conviction from 20 years ago.
If you are an outdoorsperson enjoying international waters off Northwest Washington, or a hiker in Northern Idaho, you might easily trigger the US border defense network, which now consists of military response units just like those used in Iraq.
You might stumble over an electronic sensor or listening post, and break the equipment by mistake. Ooops.
You might mistakenly paddle or kite surf across the international sea border in the dark and be torpedoed by a US submarine.
Your kayak might be boarded by testosteronated US Coast Guard ninjas.
You might be spotlighted, chased, dragged down, hogtied, arrested and charged with terrorism.
The US government is dead serious about making its borders impregnable. You’ll find that out if you try to cross with a large load of weed, or if you bungle near the border on a day when bored border guards have nothing else to do except chase you, like a pack of hounds chase a wounded raccoon. They will run your frightened ass up a tree and then cut the tree out from under you, or light it on fire.
However, there is still hope of getting into the US. There are still methods that will help you make it across the border, even if you have legal problems, even if you’re a bit weird.
In April, according to published reports, a violent 22-year-old named Gregory Despres apparently cut off the head of a 74-year-old Canadian folk singer named Frederick Fulton in New Brunswick, and put the head in a pillowcase to be found under the dead man’s kitchen table by police who also found Fred’s wife in the same house, stabbed to death.
Despres has bleak empty eyes that do not blink and an ugly haircut that makes him look like a Satanic geek.
Previous to the head in the pillowcase trick, he had assaulted and threatened to kill someone. On the day he showed up at the US border in April, he was supposed to be in court for a sentencing appointment on the assault charge, and US authorities knew he was illegally skipping the sentencing hearing when he showed up at the US-Canadian border crossing in Calais, Maine.
He claimed to be a Marine assassin who had “700 kills” to his credit. This claim alone was enough for US border agents to have banned him from America. But they didn’t ban him. Defending their actions later, the border agents said they couldn’t prohibit entry just because the guy was weird and was carrying handmade swords, brass knuckles, bulletproof vests, knives, hatchets, and a chain saw with blood on it.
After all, they said, he wasn’t carrying marijuana, and he didn’t have any prior marijuana convictions. If he had, he would have been banned from entering the US forever.
But he had no marijuana and no prior convictions for it, so?no problem, he was allowed across the border into the United States, there to wander the streets of small-town New England until someone from Canada who discovered the severed head in the pillowcase remembered to tell someone in America that the guy with the Mohawk haircut wandering around with bloody clothing and blood-stained chain saw should be arrested.
If Despres had been Jim K., things would have been different. Jim was hiking in Canada near the American border, and mistakenly triggered a remote motion sensor. US border patrol officers roared up in a monster truck and put the laser red light of electronic rifle sights on his chest. Jim was detained overnight, banned from the US, and told he better not try to illegally cross into the US or else he would end up again in the back of a government car, handcuffed.
If you are Hiker X backpacking dried flowers across the Canadian border and the US border guards find you, you might be allowed into the US just like the chain saw murderer was, except you will be allowed in only so you can become a resident of a US federal prison.
In the wake of the Despres case, everybody is asking how can a murderer with a bloody chain saw waltz through a US border patrol station into the most paranoid, most heavily fortified country in the world, but marijuana people, including those with past minor convictions for pot and those engaged in smuggling marijuana, are caught, banned, even put in jail.
The obvious reason dope smugglers can’t get into the US safely, but chain saw massacre people can get in, is that American border police have few philosophical differences with chain saw killers, whereas they are prejudiced against pot people.
It’s a cultural thing. Border agents aren’t dopeheads, but they all use chain saws. Despres and the border agents had lots to talk about during the several hours they detained him at the border station, before they let him into the US with a hearty adieu.
Chain saws are very interesting, loud, polluting machines that enable humans to kill beautiful trees that produce oxygen that humans breathe. Chain saws can be used to kill people too, which is why The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is one of America’s all-time favorite movies. It’s a cult favorite in the Jesus-lovin’ US of A.
Border agents had a nice long talk with Despres. They gave him a cup of coffee or two; he obviously needed some caffeine, before they let him enter the US.
They thought he was interesting and fun.
But if he had been a druggie, oh golly, that would have meant trouble for him. The border agents would have examined his intestines with their fingers and flashlights. They would have tested his clothes and possessions for traces of THC.
Like, at the same time in the same border crossing station where Despres was crossing, the Americans had also detained another Canadian, Eddie Young, an individual who just happened to be crossing at the same time as the alleged chain saw murderman and who had been detained because of a minor drug conviction from 20 years previous.
Young later recalled that border guards were very mean to him and very friendly to Despres. Young ponders why he was detained longer than Despres, even though Young had no bloody weapons.
He remembers the border guards having fun with Despres’ weapons, especially the swords. The border guards had more in common with Despres than they did with Young, even though an official later admitted, “I think I would have wanted to keep a close eye on that Despres fellow for awhile. The whole thing gives me a queasy feeling.”
In October, thank god, all this will change. If a Canadian chain saw murderer tries to cross into America that month, he’ll need an ample supply of chain saw fuel so he can slice his way through the American civilian self-defense group that calls itself the Minuteman Project.
The Minuteman Project is god damned ready to guard the US borders, according to its website. In October, it will mass “regular citizens” on the borders that the US shares with Mexico and Canada.
The massed citizens will be armed and patriotic. They want to prevent bad people from coming into America. Their October border patrols are also a perfect opportunity to interdict smuggling of autumn harvest outdoor Canadian weed; that’s why they are doing it in October, right?
The vigilantes want to take pot from people smuggling it to the US from Canada. They can take the pot because they have guns and are out in the middle of nowhere. Besides, how can a smuggler call police and say, “Hi, I’m a Canadian smuggling BC bud and the mean Minutemen vigilantes just stole my kilos.”
The vigilantes will steal the Canadian pot from Canadian smugglers. They will sell it and smoke it. The Minutemen are not all goody-goody people. They smoke pot and drink beer. They shoot things. They even sell pot.
They will turn the smugglers over to police, or beat them or kill them. If they read this article, they will say that I am a drugged-out idiot and that they are peaceful people who just want to protect America from drugs and illegal immigrants.
They will say that anybody who criticizes them is just as wrong as the Mexicans who say that Minutemen are motivated by anti-Hispanic racism.
News flash! We can now confirm the vigilantes are NOT motivated only by anti-Hispanic racism; they are also motivated by wanting to interdict Canadian bud headed south, and Mexican bud and Colombian cocaine headed north. They want to consume it and sell it themselves.
News flash! Canadian bud smugglers are planning to carry hockey sticks in October, so they can defend themselves against the vigilantes, most of whom are paunchy, frustrated men for whom Viagra just doesn’t cut it anymore.
Don’t expect Canadian smugglers to just hand over their bud, vigilantes. Expect a hockey stick upside your vigilante head.
Doesn’t matter to the Minutemen, who are an amateur extension of the border patrol and DEA. The US government has long encouraged civilian defense and police units; the Minutemen describe themselves as a border zone version of Neighborhood Watch.
It’s el Citizen Narko Grande Militaria gone wild.
“Realistically, we’re looking at 10,000-plus volunteers being deployed Oct. 1st on the southern and northern borders,” explains Chris Simcox, organizer for the Arizona Minuteman Project and founder of the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps, Inc.
Minuteman Inc. is a corporation. It wants to “help” the border patrol and eventually get paid for that help. It wants political support from Congress. It wants to be part of US government’s border patrol apparatus. The vigilantes want to BE the border patrol.
Simcox’s group has trademarked its name and concept, and will provide exclusive training and event management for future Minuteman Project border watches, according to Connie Hair, the group’s spokesperson.
The vigilantes are gaining political clout, having just met members of the Congressional Immigration Reform Caucus.
California Governor Arnie Terminator said the vigilantes have done a “terrific job” helping out on the southern border.
Minutemen Inc. border watches are scheduled for Arizona, California, Texas and New Mexico, Hair said. “But they’ve also got Idaho and Washington State and Vermont interested,” she added. “They’ve had requests from seven states in the north,” and new requests for Minuteman training and patrols are “coming in every day.”
Business is booming.
“We’re going to work with federal, state and local law enforcement. I’ve already met with top ranking brass at the San Diego County Sheriff’s department,” said a spokesperson for a citizen vigilante group that calls itself Friends of the Border Patrol (FBP), who added that FBP volunteers will be armed, “but only former or off-duty law enforcement persons.”
Simcox has started an e-mail fundraising campaign. “Contact us immediately to learn about upcoming missions,” the fundraising letter states. “We are expanding to California, Texas and New Mexico on the southern border. We also have requests from activated volunteers on the northern border with Canada: Maine, Vermont, Michigan, Minnesota, North Dakota, Idaho and Washington State. With new operations this is truly an exciting time for Patriots!” the e-mailed letter says.
Even politicians are in on it.
“I would like to thank the Minutemen on behalf of the millions of Americans who can’t be here with you today,” thundered Colorado politician Tom Tancredo at a gathering of vigilantes. “You are good citizens who ask that our laws be enforced. When did that become a radical idea?”
Yeah, when? As they said in the movie: Kick ass Team America, World Police.
Another Minuteman is quoted in the media, complaining that “people are planting Mexican flags on US soil.”
“If this isn’t a declaration of war, I don’t know what is,” the Minuteman screeches.
The Minuteman corporation is trying to privatize a government function, but the government wants to keep its share of the border patrol pie. That’s why California legislator Ray Haynes wants a state-run vigilante patrol that would attack illegal immigrants coming from Mexico into California.
Why let Simcox and the Minutemen have all the fun?
But California can’t legally mount a patrol on its borders with other states or other countries, as this would interfere with interstate commerce and peoples’ constitutional right to move around freely.
Darn it! But wait- Governor Terminator Schwarzenegger apparently is mulling the creation of a fleet of Terminator robots to patrol the border.
If robots kill illegal immigrants and violate the constitution, the Governator’s legal advisors speculate, they cannot be charged with a crime. A machine is presumed innocent until proven guilty, and no robot has ever been executed for murder. It’s hard to hang a machine. Lethal injection is even more difficult, because of the metal shell.
Meanwhile, US employers and wealthy elites continue to hire millions of illegal immigrants, but nobody does anything vigilante about that.
The US government is spending billions to interdict marijuana smugglers, and vigilantes are trying to catch smuggled pot and redistribute it before the government finds it.
It’s border business with a twist.
Maybe the chain saw guy was on to something after all.