These People Need Drugs!

I took a few hours from my extremely busy schedule of getting high, playing racquetball, and putting the final touches on a few new books Marijuana Pest & Disease Control and Medical Marijuana 101 (pre-order both now!) the other day to watch the bizarre shit show that was the Republican Presidential Debate on CNN. Oh sweet Jesus. Sometimes, I cannot believe that I live in the same fucking planet as these characters, much less the same country.

Let’s quickly go one-by-one:

MITT ROMNEY

Did this guy walk off the set of a Viagra ad? He’s supposedly the frontrunner, but when you take a look at the competition, that’s not saying much. I’m not sure who can really relate to Romney other than extremely rich Mormons and men who appear in print advertisements for L.L. Bean. Probably the best Romney clip out there is this one from the 2008 campaign, which is video evidence of the first and last time Romney interacted with black people.

HERMAN CAIN

People keep acting like being the former CEO of Godfather’s pizza is a big deal. Has anyone ever actually seen a Godfather’s pizza? Are we even sure this company really exists? I’m the CEO of Quick Fucking Trading Company, do you see me go around talking about how I should be president? Don’t answer that. Cain keeps rambling about setting up an electric fence on the U.S.-Mexico border. If he gets elected I will gladly risk electrocution to flee this godforsaken country.

MICHELE BACHMANN

Say what you will about their politics, a Bachmann-Palin sextape would sell 50 million copies. Other than that, this woman makes me feel extremely uneasy, like she’s about to either vomit on me or attack me with a screwdriver. She just looks like someone who requires immediate involuntary institutionalization. As evidence of this, I point to the fact that she claims to have adopted 23 kids, which is obviously something only an insane person would do. I think there may be a 24th kid locked in her basement.

NEWT GINGRINCH

Gingrinch fancies himself the smartest of the candidates because he’s capable stringing together a sentence longer than three words. I don’t know if that’s true, but he is certainly the fattest candidate. Also, what the hell is going on with this guy’s hair? He needs to release that thing back into nature before Bachmann tries to kill it and eat it.

RICK PERRY

I mean, come on. Seriously? Hasn’t Texas done enough damage to this country? And they find the one guy who may actually be dumber than George W? Scary. It seems like he and Romney have some sort of complex personal feud/deep sexual attraction to each other. Either way, observe the two of them interact from a distance.

I’m not going to say anything about Santorum because no one knows or cares about him. I’ll also lay off Ron Paul other than to say that his ridiculously oversized suits make him look like he’s shrinking before our very eyes while pointlessly lecturing us about returning to the silver standard or whatever. And now I shall return to getting high. You should too!

KEEP AMERICA GROWING!!!

Comments

22 Comments

  1. winterhawk50 on

    AMEN! you know if any of them are elected to the White House I’m going to need a space joint. NDN

  2. Cliff on

    When is that Bachmann-Palin sextape cuming out? You know Romney and Perry would be sitting in the front role.

  3. Cliff on

    You need to mellow down brother. I had a good laugh reading about these republican scums. Most of it is the truth. I live in Texas and the comedy Rick Perry is making is great. Let him last a few more months because I love laughing at this idiot.

  4. Anonymous on

    You are a hero Mr. Rosenthal. This article is amazingly funny and prophetic. I would love to see you retell this story on the Colbert Report of the John Stewart Show. It would be a hit because it would ring true with most Americans. I couldn’t have said any of this better myself. Truly an insightful analysis.

  5. Dan Peterson on

    I hear ya. I’m not into the cult thing. Yes freedom of Religion attracts some wacky folks but that is a main thing that people we’re running from in the old Country(‘s)! Freedom is a big deal, no matter how out there you may be. I want you to be free to either create and fight for your best or fall on your face, it’s up to you! As uncaring as it may seem taxing one mans labor either intellectual or manual for another person is theft. Be happy for another mans wealth, even if you are on the street. “The harder I work the luckier I get”-unknown The cult thing is like the intern clown that spewed some racist shit on his news letter years ago without his approval, it’s a sweeping statement that is just not true/truly reflective of who Ron Paul is. Sure Ayn Rand influenced a LOT of people, so did Lao Tzu? I believe Ron Paul is willing to work with people. Again I like the Green Party! WOO HOO! But back to your reply. Ron Paul is for Private Company’s producing a product that has value to the people and maybe even creates jobs in the community. Ron Paul has spoke in strong opposition to corrupt crony Capitalism and Banks and Co’s that get bailout outs and no bid contracts through the MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX. Fiat money, fractional reserve banking systems are the 8000lb beast in the room that most don’t seem to see? A true “Free Market Capitalism” cannot really happen with the Federal Reserve and the IRS and the lobbying-bureaucracy that is the USA Government sucking out our wealth like a vampire. Research economics. A great film from a former international banker that disagrees with Ron Paul on many issues is called “The Secret of Oz” by Bill Still. You can watch it for free on You Tube! Brother Alan, there is a philosophy to freedom and a sound currency. The Constitution and Bill of Rights are young (250 years) ideas. Rather than call names let’s talk and get together.Ya know as smooth as Obama is, some people think he comes across like some kind of slick talking pimp? My point. Different strokes for different folks. Believe it or not some people “like” how the Bush’s talk!? Crazy huh? Ron Paul isn’t the best speaker but dammit if ya look at the facts about his life and his history, ect… he is the real deal. One Love together we stand………

  6. Alan on

    The Green Party is the only third party that has a platform that is what most marijuana people are into. The people who are constantly propping Ron Paul are apparently not aware of his real agenda or ideas. They only see that he has some good ideas such as he is against the drug wars and also how the US is always messing in other countries. But the big problem is he is a Libertarian. The Libertarian problem is that it values nothing other than a very selfish and dumb form of “personal freedom” and it also only values money. The Libertarian people are like a cult built around this weird woman named Ayn Rand and they are also in with another cult the COS, home of Tom Cruise. The democrats and republicans are bad too. So it’s Green. But not the Libertarians. They are all for corporations and against the real values of most pot smokers. And also let’s face it Ron Paul on television he comes across like a kind of crazy old dude.

  7. Dan Peterson on

    Greg, i hear ya. Cynthia McKinny would have been a great President! She is a brave person. I believe that Ron Paul will do what he says. “They” are wildly afraid of Ron Paul…..

  8. Greg on

    I posted this in another comment section but I think it warrants re-posting here.
    When I was working in drug and alcohol counseling, we had a phrase that we told our substance abusers that went something like this: If you want to keep getting what you’re getting, just keep doing what you’re doing. However, if you want something different, do something different. I feel like our current political fiasco is a prime example of this. In the U.S. we have been voting democrat or republican for more than a century and low and behold we keep getting corporately enslaved democrats or republicans in office. I say go Green for a (real) change. The Green Party has a solid platform for reform on numerous issues ranging from the Drug War to public education to renewable energy and from what I’ve gathered they know how to run a country for the people by the people and they take no corporate funding. How about shaking things up a bit and doing something different for a REAL CHANGE.

  9. Dan Petersonc on

    Let me tip the hat to Ed! Thank You Ed for all your hard work over the years. You are a brave man. Ed is one of the guys that has been at it for years on the front lines! I don’t have to agree with every thing you write to have bowl fulls of RESPECT! -Dan Peterson

  10. Dan Peterson on

    ,and yes.

  11. Anonymous on

    I am a little amazed that Ron Paul the only one who has a fraction of a chance of winning the nomination and taking Obama’s place is dismissed because he has a suit that is slightly too big? and then you criticize him for wanting our worthless money which is the cause of all the prices going up everyday (inflation)to actually be backed by something (gold or silver). Please make a legit argument if you are going to dismiss the only candidate who can get the federal government off our backs and has consistently pledged to do so for longer than most of us have been alive. I understand all the other candidates are bought and paid for and their pasts have shown this. And Gary Johnson would make a great Vice President to Paul as his popular presence is just too small for president at the moment. This is why cannabis is still illegal we can’t even decipher who to vote for and who not too.
    Ron Paul 2012

  12. Plant down Babylon on

    Great, so lets stick to the status quo!? God forbid we try something different.
    Lets hear your choice for prez.
    Dying to have you fill me with your wisdom…..

  13. Plant down Babylon on

    Well said…..

  14. Anonymous on

    I enjoy reading your opinions but rule number one, dont make fun of someones hair when you are balding haha. It deminishes the credibility of your opinion lol.

  15. Anonymous on

    Thank you for your witty commentary… I dearly enjoy it…! And also the plant questions….

  16. Dan Peterson on

    I didn’t know the wacky scientology freaks we’re into Ron Paul. I’m guessing it has to do with Constitutional Freedom of Religion stuff…..? But, good for them their nuts, your nuts and I’m nuts, great, so now what?
    I have grown and consumed the Tree of life for over 20 years. I have been busted by the fascist fucking cops, I lost my house they trashed in the raid and the bank foreclosed on! Glad I didn’t have a dog for them to shoot or a child to CPS….. but the things you bring up Libertarians like me just want the Government out of. We want the government out of our lives, out of our homes, away from our light bulbs, out of our gardens!Social Justice is the right to bear arms. Ok so fuck Ron Paul’s old ass! Vote for Gary Johnson then? Or better yet don’t vote at all!?
    I LOVE growing and consuming ganja! I HATE everyone and anyone that supports the wars on terror and drugs in any way. It’s called a “WAR”! How about we raid some homes, shoot some dogs, and pistol whip some of these morons that support scum like Obama? That would be fun…. of course “they” have a large gang of goons that would quickly kill any one of us that would dare do anything like that….. so here we are divided over, well, anything we can think of. Can we think of anything we can come together over?

  17. Anonymous on

    Your Meds are wearing off there Davie
    You`re getting irrational and it isn`t even noon yet

  18. David on

    Ron Paul sucks. He is a tool of the corporate class. It’s great that he opposes wars, including the drug war. He also opposes women’s rights, environmental protection, and social justice. Worse yet, he is backed by the Church of Scientology, a drug war sci-fi dumbass cult. Libertarian freaks, you are so blind. Maybe you ought to actually grow and smoke pot instead of shilling for the Texas AynRandtarian, eh Danny-boy?

  19. David on

    You fools who diss Ed Rosenthal are pathetic losers. Ed has given so much more to marijuana cultivation and legalization than you trollers ever will. He stood up to the feds and beat them. He has helped tens of thousands of people grow weed and his books are excellent. Your little Libersmarmians Ronnie (backed by Scientology) Paul and Gary are NEVER going to get elected president.

  20. Dan Peterson on

    To name call a great man like Ron Paul shows your ignorance on the topic. Don’t get me wrong that was a fine Kenny Bloggins Rant but you gotta know when to fold ’em! Ron Paul would do more to end prohibition than anyone else we have in politics. And a sound constitutional currency is “pointless”? That’s the same kind of “can’t win don’t try” attitude that keeps so many ganja smokers outta the fight. Golly, maybe putting down the bong and doing a lil’ more research would be good for you Ed?
    -Dan Peterson

  21. Anonymous on

    he owns 50% of Cannabis Culture and has since the late 90s
    it was cheaper to buy in here than advertise his books on Amazon.com

  22. Anonymous on

    So, I guess they let any schmuck spew just about any bit of senseless and uneducated dribble on this website. This moron of a “writer”, Didn’t give any credit to 2 of the Republican candidates for their stance on ending the drug war. Gary Johnson and Ron Paul could do more to stop marijuana prohibition than any democrat or independent running or in office today. This is just another example of partisan rhetoric getting more attention than common sense, or logic. Please stop letting this turd write anymore articles that would further damage the credibility of this website.