Take the Pledge: Work With the Police and DEA

In the last few weeks the U.S. government detected two commercial tunnels running across the U.S.-Mexico border. They were constructed to eliminate the tedium of bribing customs agents at the border. They publicized it as if it were a major blow to the marijuana industry. The officials probably don’t realize how ridiculously 20th century they look, still doing body counts. But there’s another side of it, that proves them to also be totally ineffective.

The government seized about 45 tons of relatively low quality marijuana. Still, that seems like a lot of pot. Forty-five tons is the equivalent of 90,000 lbs., 1,440,000 ounces, 11,520,000 eighths and each eighth can be rolled into three thin to medium sized joints once the detrious is removed. So you could say that the government seized a total of about 34,560,000 joints.

Thirty four million joints. That’s not even a day’s consumption. Maybe 34 million would last only 12 hours, on a football or summer weekend only 8 hours. So, to stop the pot trade they’d have to make two or three 45 ton seizures a day. Anything less and the country will continue to be inundated with marijuana. Go to it boys. You proved you can do it. Just make two raids like this a day. Of course, that will drive the price up so there will be more incentive for both domestic and foreign producers to redouble their efforts.

In fact I have so much empathy for their position, which could be likened to bailing water out of the ocean, that I have a plan to help the DEA in its efforts to eliminate marijuana. Perhaps you can join me in this civic project.

I have become an anonymous volunteer at my local police department. Here’s how it works. I carry out independent investigations (out in the cold, in spy parlance) to find any herbal controlled substance, such as marijuana. When I locate said substance, I immediately retrieve my portable hazardous waste incinerator and at risk to myself set out to destroy the material, saving the police department the time, money, and personnel efforts that would be required to arrest the substance. Some of my co-workers use a slightly different technique, wrapping the controlled substance in paper before destroying it thermally.

You can join me in my efforts and swear to dedicate a portion of your time locating this material wherever it may be found and then to destroy it to relieve police of their heavy burden. The police would thank you for this, but remember, that part of the satisfaction of a job well done in this case, is that you perform your civic duty anonymously.

In fact, using private anonymous contractors such as myself and hopefully, you too, seems to be the only way that this country will be able to get rid of this daily flood of marijuana piling up here. You can see it all over. The forty-five tons stored at the Mexico border. The build-up, back-up at the Canadian border. Up in the Emerald Triangle in California non-light deprived pot sold for as low as $1,000 a pound last harvest season.

Frankly, the combined NARC Force just doesn’t have the manpower to keep up with the avalanche of marijuana piling up daily. Thirty pounds in Fargo, ND. Here’s a call from Columbia, MO, 50 lbs. must be destroyed! A plea for help from Athens, Ohio- 92 lbs. that must be incinerated! If we all pitch in and cooperate with the DEA and local police by eliminating this material faster, so that the police don’t have to, I’m sure it would be much appreciated. I know this is a daunting task. But I truly believe that Americans are ready to take on the challenge.

Are you ready?!!? Are you ready to be anonymous volunteer on the herb destruction beat? Send in your pledge and suggestions about how you plan to help the police eliminate this herbal deluge. Just raise your right or left hand or don’t and take the pledge. I pledge to help with the marijuana problem by incineration or other means whenever I encounter this substance.

Congratulations. You are now deputized. Go out and burn it up.

(Encourage President Obama to do his part! #marijuanadeficiencysyndrome )