Watermelon, www.melongirl.com, had her Stanjah’s sponsored event “Baked Goods:” “A free-the-weed” fundraiser featuring Watermelon & Weed with munchies by Watermelons Mom; MC Crystal Precious; Comedian Irwin Barker and Dj Girl Cherise and with Burlesque Art by Maria Coletsis and an inspiring speech by Queens Council John Conroy www.johnconroy.com.
This was “Stoner’s New Years,” day before New Years Eve. This way we can all still spend New Years with our Cheetos, bongs and Cats or attend “The Tall Brother’s Black White New Years Party” at the Blacspot Living Canvas on Hastings.
Flash had acquired tickets for himself; Fran from Norml BC; Journalist extraordinaire nouveaux on the cannabis scene X-Head, and Brave Orion, one of Flash’s roomies, to attend the gala cannabis event and gathering.
Canada’s Top Ten Most Sexiest Criminal, Weed Diva “Watermelon” cover girl of Cannabis Culture magazine Issue 50 in a fold out cover is the curvaceous Cannabis Comedienne reclining on a bed of, not roses, but of primo bud.
Watermelon first bared her breast in Cannabis Culture’s February/March Edition 2001, on page 27, and adorns the cover of the September 2001 Vol. 313 High Times:
plus she has Mc’d at The Cannabis Cup in Amsterdam.
She sold watermelon down at nudist Wreck Beach, Gate Six UBC, during the summertime for years and describes herself as a “nudist pot-selling comedian” and has a cook book DVD available.
The old police headquarters for Vancouver ,Heritage Hall on 14th and main, had been transformed with balloons and tapestries in preparation for a “Moulin Rouge” type attraction; a burlesque performance harkening back to those dangerous days in the closing decade of nineteenth century Paris. A new period retrospectively christened La Belle ?poque (‘the beautiful period’) was born.
As its name suggests, the Belle ?poque was characterized by relative calm, prosperity, enterprise and social freedom. Freedom of expression was considered, not a privilege, but a Right. The Nobel but foreign ideals of “Truth, Beauty, Freedom and above all Love” promoted. It represented a kind of cultural and social revolution.
“Think of it as a can-can-besotted version of Steve Rubell’s disco-crazed Studio 54 crossed with Bangkok’s sex market meets Mardi Gras’ carnival.”
Shunning the bourgeois world of their parent’s generation, the Bohos plunged into cafe society, leftist ideologies and a drug and alcohol culture that many – notably the legendary poet Rimbaud and his lover Verlaine – saw as the gateway to artistic inspiration and transcendence.
With characteristically anarchistic verve, Bohemian artists broke with the ultra conservative Academies and took art to the streets with their posters, overnight magazines, satiric cabarets, costume balls and the democratized theatre of the cafe-concerts.
The cocktail of choice among cabaret and musical hall goers was a bitter green alcohol called absinth that had something of a cult following amongst the Bohemians. With high spirit content, absinth also contained elements of the poisonous herb wormwood and had rumored hallucinogenic qualities.
Tonight it would be another ‘green substance’, but non-poisonous herb, which was being celebrated through civil disobedience and revere. They were met at the door of the old police fortress by three neat little sailor girls, a mite bit chilled by the evening air, who greeted them smartly.
With a wonderful brunette lass at her aid, Carol Gwilt, prior manager of Dakine Caf?, had taken the risk of being in their company, despite her overly restrictive bail conditions, to selflessly help Watermelon in her legal fundraising efforts comforted at least that the mighty Queens Council John Conroy would be in attendance to defend her to the hilt if cops in balaclavas choose tonight to make their move again, but she was still wise enough not to imbibe of the sacred, healing, useful herb in public.
Pharmer Tom and his gracious wife, the excellent baker, had already secured a long table for Flash and his guests to join. Tom had also brought along three distinguished gentleman whom reminded flash of the Magi.
One was a Canadian Federal Marijuana Exemptee named Don, the second a member of the BC Compassion Club called Peter and the third, Greg, none other than the brains behind Emerald Shaman.
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The ticket girls soon provided a distraction. The first was dressed in an oversized wig and a costume that cried out “Shwish.” She had a dance and routine that went with the tickets, sold by one arm or two or various other measurements best left to the imagination.
Pharmer Tom was so impressed he bought 10 or twenty tickets at least. He said he was determined to win one of the stately bongs donated to Watermelon’s defence by Puff Pipes but Mrs Pharmer Tom was sure to give him a sidelong glance to reign in his budget.
Flash even bought an extra forearm of tickets off the second ticket girl who was more traditionally dressed with a feathered page boy hat.
At first flash thought the red jacket with its brass buttons, in just the right places, made her a ring master but was informed her costume was more like a skirted ticket taker you my meet on your way into a balconied theatre.
X-head told Flash to turn around slowly but not too fast, see who was behind them… There was Marc Emery and his prot?g?e, Agent 99, setting up the www.pot-tv.net camera. She, taking to it like a duck to water.
Flash of course wanted to run over say “high” and introduce X-Head right away, but X-head advised they kept their cool let “He come to us.”
This was an enormous departure and risk in strategy for Flash but they toddled over to the juice bar trying to look ‘uninterested’ and it WORKED!
Marc Emery came striding up to them both, as they priced the drink selections and weighing their purses against them and took in the large pieces of burlesque art produced by Maria Coletsis.
Immediately the Prince and Patriarch offered to buy their drinks; cranberry and soda for $2.50 each. Flash quickly introduced his friend as journalist from X-tra who wrote both the Stonewall/Dakine article and feature on Flash Gordon himself.
Indeed, she had sent a draft version of her latest major work “Dakine: A Love Story” to both Marc and Cannabis Culture Magazines editor Dana Larsen for consideration, without cost, for the Cannabis Culture online archives.
Marc was too quick for her however. He had aleady read the article and proposed it be the next article featured on main page and the possibility of remuneration and posibblity contract to be negotiated with the CC editor Mr Larsen.
The Prince had just that day apparently issued an edict that more articles be presented on main page more regularly and called her timing: “Perfect.”
X-head stumbled back to her place at the long table. She said not a word for a while and when she did it was only to repeat:
“I can’t believe he read it! I can’t believe he even read it!”
“Yeah he did… see Told Ya… and you get your wish of being published on main page too! You go girl!,” Flash encourage.
But, she was too flabbergasted at her own good fortune for it to even register.
X-head was not quick enough to stay on Flash’s tail when he noticed John Conroy Esq., his Beautiful life long love on his arm, and took the opportunity to bow and scrape as he made his entrance.
Flash was sure not to smile broadly while the Pot TV cam was on him, lest he look like a Jack-a-lantern with so many teeth missing after his dental surgery.
Gordon Did give Mr. Conroy some helpful advice on how to keep his magnetic flashing marijuana leaf on his lapel by avoiding the temptation to pull on it when showing it off. They laughed at the t-shirt John had brought back from Key West that states clearly:
“Good Bush (MJ PLANT): Bad Bush (George).”
“Everyone is wearing them down there….They know!… They Know!” the learned man emphasized.
It seems everyone now these days; especially the young, realize “Pot is a Plant and Bush a “Dope” after all.
Even among the Satori crowd ( www.satorimovement.com
“That’s BUSH! Dewd… totally BUSH!” can be overheard in the smoking room of the Amsterdam Caf?.
Conroy, a lawyer, said he hoped there would be no dinner rolls served in case being a high priced Lawyer and the guests might direct them at him.
The show was Beginning…Dj Casperella started it off until the Mistress of Ceremonies, Crystal Precious, took the stage to introduce the first act. The bounteous,bodacious, babe exuded nothing but confidence and honest pride in her black lingerie and leather as she introduced the first act which was Anna Bon Bon on accordion.
Some how it was not the typical ‘accordion music’ you might expect, but lifted your heart up as she sang about “Freedom” with incredible soul.
Flash was behind a column and at first thought her singing Parisian then presumed she was a large breasted black soul singer. Later, when he caught a glimpse her leaving after the show, he was to discover her but a diminutive white girl, with a beautiful smile, that had belted it out like that. “I will not be a slave.” ..But, I will be a Slave to Freedom all my Life” she had sung.
The fellow who really stole the show was a comedian named Irwin Barker. Flash had heard him perform at other of Watermelons events. His humor then had been just a few jokes about alcoholism but his repertoire had clearly expanded.
Living now in Halifax Nova Scotia, he had developed a bit of a Maritime accent which made his Canadian comedy sound even funnier. His jokes about flying Air Canada and B.C. ferries were dry, monotone observational type humor were so ‘common sense’ they made you laugh out loud.
Although Flash was poked in the ribs repeatedly, he was in hysterics as Irwin took aim at the vegans in the audience. Big thick tears of laughter started streaming down Flash’s cheeks laughing deeply, cathartically and intensely.
The guy was like a Canadian Seinfeld.
The audience would not let the comic finish up early. “More… More!” Flash cried out when Irwin tried to beg his way offstage:
“You want More? You haven’t heard Enough yet? What about the other acts? …” Irwin could not believe his own popularity.
If that were not ‘Canadiana’ enough, out burst two “Hockey Bitches” in 40’s style jerseys ready to duel with their sticks over a puck and, predictably, getting into a scrap with gloves dropped and helmets off revealing their long silky, pull-able hair.
They made their entrance twice at unexpected breaks in the show. The second time really getting down and dirty to the point of pulling each others jerseys over their heads revealing their sports bras and tempers.
One of the Hockey player girls, Bonnie Kilroe, had another hidden talent and stood up to sing an old standard “Is that All There Is” in a flowing tiger dress of gold under the spotlight with the words tweaked subtly to bring it up to modern times and add humor. Flash while having a butt outside watched transfixed her sing the oldie but goodie through the hall’s glass doors and could not believe the awe and effect that her powerful voice had over him.
John Conroy and Watermelon were up next and outlined the saga of Watermelon’s arrest and the details of the cookie caper, which most of us are at least somewhat aware of,starting with the arrest by the notorious wreck beach cop Napoleon:
The little French cop at Wreck Beach they call ?Napoleon’ asked the half naked performer if she would quietly come with him as he had warned her previously not to sell her cookies down at Wreck Beach .
The first time she had encountered him was years before at the top of the trail on Canada Day when he had made her dump out her beer. On Canada Day no less! “Why doesn’t he go bust a hockey game?” She thought at the time.
Now he was picking on her and wanted her to come quietly. Watermelon doesn’t do anything quietly. It was he who had chosen a career in which he had power she only had the power of the community at wreck beach, her adoring Hempster fans and the media to protect her.
At first only 20 nudists took notice and gathered around as she cried out “Help the watermelon girl is being busted!”
She had never been arrested before and if she was going to be arrested now she could at least see it as a photo opportunity.
Pepi le Peu still wanted her to “come quietly” but a documentary photographer present thought she would look better with handcuffs which he was reluctant to put on her.
“Sit down!” the experienced film maker suggested forcing the cop to put them on the half naked beach beauty to get her to move.
“So, you want the cuffs do you?” He sneered.
300 naked hippies rose to their feet to her defense booing hissing and cat calling as Watermelon was marched the full length of the beach. People were stopping to hug her along the way some even holding up their children to be touched and kissed by her.
About 50 nudists followed further the now more than ever unpopular policeman up the trail to be by Watermelon’s side and blocked road traffic at the top of the trial. “The National Post or the Globe and Mail which do you prefer?” the activist asked of the authority, still able to be coy.
The cannabis community Starlette was printed and photographed striking her best Marilyn Monroe pose and questioned for an hour and half because she would not at first sign an order to stay a distance away from the popular wreck beach her ?home’ where she is most loved and admired.
Conroy concurred with what Gerry Bellett of the Vancouver Sun who wrote that when Watermelon was arrested on Wreck Beach, naked and holding a tin of cannabis-laden ginger-snaps she had sold to undercover RCMP officers; it appeared to be just another sad case of the way the cookie crumbles.
These added up to three charges of possession for the purpose of trafficking and three of breaching an undertaking to stay away from Wreck Beach that she signed after her second arrest. When the RCMP arrested her in July 2003, they waited at the top of the trail, away from the crowd on the beach.
“It was either sign or stay in jail. But I was like a mouse who couldn’t stay away from the cheese, and I’d keep sneaking down to listen to music and they’d catch me… That beach is my home, my church, my community. It’s a sacred place for me. I guess I’m a bit of a pagan. I like the sun, the water, the full moon, the music and crackling fires, and I haven’t been able to go there since last year,” she says. tinyurl.com/6mfm8
But in Richmond provincial court the ginger snaps proved remarkably durable and it was the case against her that fell to pieces.
The problem for the prosecution arose when Watermelon’s lawyer John Conroy questioned the police analyst who’d examined the ginger snaps.
They hadn’t found any microscopic traces of cannabis plant material, but discovered traces of cannabinoids — the psychoactive chemical substances found in marijuana — and the Crown charged her with possessing cannabis resin.
But Conroy pointed out that the analyst hadn’t found resin.
Trafficking in cannabis is a more serious drug offence that could lead to a jury trial and carries a maximum sentence of life in prison, and Conroy doubts the authorities would choose that route over a few ginger snaps.
“In the old days it wouldn’t have mattered if they hadn’t found resin, just cannabinoids. They would have simply amended the charges in court.
“But you can’t do that today as it’s prejudicial to the accused,” said Conroy afterwards.
“If they’d charged her with cannabinoids, well and good. But they didn’t and the analyst admitted he didn’t find resin and so the judge dismissed the charges,” said Conroy.
Crown counsel Gerry Sair said the acquittal was being reviewed and might be appealed.
She is still waiting for another Richmond judge to decide what to do with her after facing trial on a similar charge of possession of cannabis resin for the purpose of trafficking, the result of an undercover operation in July last year that resulted in a second arrest.
In the meantime, Watermelon is hoping for a second acquittal and then plans to be in court to have the ban preventing her from visiting Wreck Beach lifted.
What’s been ‘creepiest’ for Watermelon is that some of the Richmond cops who have been tailing her have taken to stalking her on their off time as well?
One of them ,the dimintive Napoleon, who is thought to be gay, which makes it even odder, had the nerve to show up at one of her shows on his off time and sit in the back.
Spookier still, is rumor the prosecuting attorney is bragging to his buddies on his Hockey team, one of whom is an acquaintance of watermelon:
“Watermelon, Vrooom! Yeah Eh… You know I’m the One Prosecuting her!… Ha Ha Ha.” Now, what’s a girl to do?
John Conroy added in at the end of his speech a plea for people to join their local chapters of Canada Norml and get involved on the municipal, provincial and Federal levels. He urged the patrons to also visit the www.normlcanada.ca
Some were disappointed not to hear Watermelon’s now familiar, side-cracking comedy routine but she confided to Flash afterwards:
“I didn’t do much stand up because I think everyone is sick of my dirty jokes. Especially me.”
Au Contrare! Watermelon!
Fran said all the beautiful dancing girls were inspiring… “I almost took my clothes off and joined them!” she laughed.
The gorgeous oriental woman, Little Woo’s, burlesque belly dance strip was equally powerful and entrancing a complete departure and much more up tempo than the other versions, bangles playing along to their own tune.
Spacey Tracey the hula hoop girl hoops preformed like no hula hoop show Flash had ever ogled she was covered with flashing gold bangles and the music waxed mid eastern seeming to rise to the rafters like sweet burning incense to the heavens .
It was then, looking up from the revolving hoops to the ceiling of the great hall, Gordon notice the roof painted in a mural of aqua marine, like the lost ruins of Atlantis found off the isle of Crete and Ancient Greece. The pillars round the room, were ornate Corinthian columns with their distinctive curlicues at the top. These Flash Gordon was stretching and straining his neck around to see the dancer. The Mediterranean style was further offset but huge hanging medieval style chandeliers bringing Flash’s meditations into yet another age only to delve again into the luxurious bountiful decadence of La Belle ?poque as the buxom beauty continued her hypnotic dance.
At about that time a huge ‘bomber’ had appeared out of nowhere, making its rounds again and again, around the whole gamut of patrons at the extended banquet table. Taking a deep draw on the phatt ass tuber, Flash’s eye’s lifted above his sight and he felt a shift. He felt the earth move under his feet but saw not the sky come tumbling down.As if a tectonic-like shift took place in the veil of Reality.As if he could fell the wobble of the Earth now that it was thrown 2 centimeters off its axis and equlibrium.
Flash looked to the left and then, quicker still, to the right and wondered if there was not a split where they should join? The tables they had been carefully joined for their banquet feast yet had jarred like some Ouija board that 20 can play.
Fran checked with NASA for Gordon next day and there were no tremors reported in our region that night. Yet even amidst all the joy and frivolity of that night one could not shake off that half of South East Asia had slipped into the Sea.
At Flash’s elbow had appeared Dr. Hornby of Advanced Nutrients. Flash had no idea how long he’d been sitting there with the three Magi or when he’d come in.
The Dr’s face was much less tanned and leathery than his picture on the Advanced site. Flash shook his warm hand gratefully and was even more delighted to see across from him the charming woman who appears to be Dr. Hornby’s loyal partner and significant other.
As Flash took her hand in his he recalled how struck he had been at the Beyond Prohibition Conference at S.F.U. how distinguished and elegant, and most of all Lady-like she had appeared with her pepper hair cropped short.
Now that it had grown out it gave her an aura of matriarchal eminence of an even greater magnitude, matched by a European accent which revealed pure nobility in her blood.
There was no mistaking, and Dr Hornby was even able to confirm, through the strictest of taste testing and consultation with the three learned fellows present,that as Flash declared: “There was Hella Hash in that Phatt Ass Reefer.”
Flash recognized Watermelon’s niece behind her purposely ?nerdy’ glasses as shy and demur as ever. Behind the fa?ade of the bohemia there was something wholesome about the people Watermelon had gathered around her to her aid.She had involved in her burlesque show, not only her niece and her little friends working at the beverage and snacks table and door, but her graceful mother, serving quiches that melted in your mouth, and an elderly gentleman whom appeared to be her step-father helping in the kitchen.
One of the little sweethearts working at the beverage booth Flash questioned on how she had met Watermelon: “Well, for one thing my Grandfather used to do shows with her,” she confided. She was carrying on the family tradition, but blushed, shaking her head “No,” when Flash asked her if she was going to be part of the show.
Flash took the melon girls Mother’s slender hand in his and looked into her pale blue eyes noticing as well the well defined high cheek bones and well slender brows matched with faded blond locks. “Now I can see wear Watermelon gets her good looks!” Flash insisted. “No, it was from her Father” Was her Mom’s immediate denial.
There were also trays of tiny cannabinoid ridden rum balls that came so frequently that looking down the table they built up in each persons place like rabbit droppings. Steve Payne’s EX, Mara had quite a few lined up. So powerful they were, that they had to pace them, eating them slowly.
Fran claims she had 4 of them, even though she Felt the first one,before meeting a long lost friend there, she hadn’t seen in decades of missing him, and also ran into the bearded long haired Happy too,the dedicated film maker who pops up filming at many major cannabis events on his own resources.
Not intoxicating were the cool slices of cucumber dabbed with hummus and sun dried tomatoes on crackers and other veggie snacks going around.
Nearing midnight it really heated up. Orion’s head, who had completed a 14 hour bus ride to get back home from the Alberta to be there, was already on the table, but, he had to wake up because Watermelon, (As Beautiful but more Heroic and in control of her own Destiny than Satine played by Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge), was starting her exotic erotic dance scantly clad in scarlet lingerie.
She danced to Johnny Cash’s “Your own personal Jesus” and made it work.
Her dignity intact, she brushed by Orion’s arm (Which he almost refused later to wash.) making her way around the tables. Mrs. Hornby was a bit taken aback at first, expecting ?comedy’ but there was playfulness in the Melon girl’s dance that poked fun even at the power of her own sexuality.
Afterwards, it was DJ girl Cherise, a petite girl with lots of guts and attitude, who had her hair cut like a punky boi that spun out the tunes people were grinding and formaging to. It was a mix of alternative/rock/pop, Electroclash /industrial and punk tunes.
She plays at www.Lickclub.com Vancouver’s alternatively charged nightclub, Tuesday Shift Nights as well as does DJ Casperella. The door @9PM $3 with good cheap beer.
Flash Gordon and his party poured themselves into cabs and found their way home, the celebrations still peaking when they left. Watermelons ginger snap cookies and rum balls with the addition of Pharmer Tom’s hash, and whatever else made the rounds, smoldered out the evening to a finish.
Proof that the fundraising did not go to waste Watermelon one her third hat trick) appeal in Richmond court but CBC news still reports The Crown is appealing her acquittal on the resin charge.
The Watermelon Underground 5 on Pot-tv.net www.pot-tv.net/archive/shows/pottvshowse-3345.html
Watermelon is a mere $18,000 short to pay her lawyer for what could develop into a full blown jury trial. All donations would be greatly appreciated. The cheques are payable to:
Conroy & Company
2459 Pauline St.
Abbotsford BC Canada V2S 3S1